July 27, 2020

You wait so long to finally channel a direction for your life.

Decisions aren’t easy for you, but the moment you make them, hold on.

Yet suddenly the road is no longer paved with asphalt, and the road signs are nonexistent.

For a moment you take your hands off the wheel only to realize the car is gone and the only ground is your own two feet.

Blades of long grass and weeds with small flowers dance across any signs of the path. All you can do is recognize a freedom in their movements.

Maybe who you were born prepared you for this. So don’t hold your breath and let the things your mind cannot see break your heart.

Your heart has never left you.

July 26, 2020

Here it is. The writer you were asking for.

But that’s the thing, when I open the notes on my IPhone and ignore the world around me to get every syllable on paper, the sounds are like knives cutting into my heart and my soul and all I can do is bleed on this goddamn paper.

And when you ask me to go there you’re asking me to go to a dark cave where I never know if I’ll find my way out.

It means something has ripped my heart to shreds. Again.

This is vulnerable land, or maybe the land of the brave, where we aren’t afraid to wear our emotions on a page.

Slap me down, throw me away, make me go away. Get lost in the thought. Get carried away.

Steve, I wish I had had this for your class.

July 25,2020

You know what they say about patience

….

No, tell me Expert On All The Human Species because somewhere along the way it was only you who experienced happiness and pain, and have come to know all the answers.

Or maybe I’m just a female who has been existing in a lifeless bubble and yeah, if you had married someone too—you’d want her to stay home and raise the kids while you worked and progressed your career.

It’s so lovely that she can look in the mirror and continually see the tear-streaked painted cheeks of a clown.

Mental mother-fucking breakdown.

Mental break, breaking, broken cardiovascular system—and it feels like I’m not vasculing that much longer. You sucked out all that air.

Here’s my chorus for those who I’ve claimed to love:

Oh, please tell me again how wrong I am.

Or that I am over-the-top,

Or—all you have to do is just clock in.

Dear wonderful men with your beautiful, mandating, overrated cocks:

HEAR this for once—

Go fuck yourselves.

7/25/2020

Remember those twinkling lights spread across the L.A. night sky?

We could try to look at the planets—everybody is always looking out at a space we will never fully understand.

And now we look at our backyard. Or that 2 feet space between the stairs.

Where did you go? You said you were there, but “ there” is not a space we float in and out from, room to room, avoiding a look, a stare, the same chit chat about this or that. How is it exactly that you care?

You do? Then who I am? What’s your answer? Say you support me, just not beside me, or with me, maybe in another sphere?

If only it was as easy as me staying in my lane.

Then your idea of love could remain and not catch the sky on fire looking for the planets we’ve somehow misplaced in our lonely hearts.

07/24/2020

That feeling of being held under water

That I threw you down into, that dark angry well. And you climbed the bricks and slipped and fell and bloodied your lips and blackened your eyes. And when you finally got out you lit the cloth with kerosene—sticks of dynamite, but the matches were ruined and you were forced to walk away. Maybe changed forever? Maybe worse? Maybe better?

Coming down the tunnel a few years back, and there I was walking down the center unexpectedly. Now’s your chance, grab me by the hair, all the pain, all the scars, disguised in that love that still demands fire…finally, light me there, burn me down, your last words—life comes around, it isn’t fair….

Accepted. I’ll take it. I deserve the rope burn and the skinned knees and the broken, hopeless heart. It’s my burden to bear on the way to your well deserved pyre…

Yet, throughput all these years, my crazy love only grew more. But you’re just a distant dream, my longing to make it right. The unending nights I spend with you there that wake me up grasping for breath of false air.

And finally, you see me again on a mountain side across from you and we’re both climbing from different angles. And there’s our look, those familiar intoxicating sounds that called us into waters I made unsafe, but this time could they be calm, or welcoming,—maybe the refuge place to build real love?

I can’t walk away, not if I perceive a chance—there in the distance, a bridge with moss covered wood panels suspended by ropes over a raging, violent river. It looks so cold.

I step out.

You step out.

I step out.

You step out.

I step out

You smile.

My heart beats 1000 beats per minute behind my smile.

My last step I look down to make sure it is safe.

But when I look back up, you’ve cut the ropes and here I go down again

down,

down,

down—but in a dreaded slow motion that won’t be quick….

The scales are balanced my for-never forgiving love….Maybe I’ll find a rocky shore. Or maybe I’ll finally drown instead of burning in your well deserved fire.