August 3, 2020

It really is quite simple…

Simple—as in if the feeling is absent then there is nothing left to pursue anymore other than a simple politeness, even a complete silence. Was your feeling for me absent, then?

So what is it that you craved from me? Messiness?

Very well then—Imagine a heart surgery where the chest has been cut open and pulled apart, exposing a now empty cavity. The heart thrown to the floor in a pool of blood because your hands weren’t steady. Followed by your words—I wasn’t ready, I need some restructuring.

Yes, I hear you. I understand.

Maybe in time the muscle will grow the strength to crawl back into my body. But for now it is immobilized on that cold slab of the operating table, the lights turned off and the walls crumbling in all around me as I fight to push oxygen back through my veins.

Just breath

Just meditate

Just find a way

Every two-thousand-eight-hundred and seven miles between us feels like two million eight thousand and seven hundred pounds of crushing weight driving me to the bottom of the deepest ocean.

2,807 tears that will now have to fall.

2,807 dreams I won’t be able to control.

2,807 lies I will say to to the world that I’m okay.