You know what I’ll never forget?

The Publix aisle, where we met eyes, shook heads, and agreed on the dark toasted pretzels—

The sweet sincerity in your voice at 4:30am in the morning when you tell me how beautiful my curls hanging down the back of my neck—

The graveyard that forgot us, or did it ever exist?—

The authentic, yet well-thought about version of yourself after 20 years, walking me through the park, reaching for my hand—

The subsiding weeks, where you lie beside me and I still listen for and celebrate the rise and fell of your breath—

And drink in the softness of your skin as you fall in and out of sleep from the disruption of your natural rhythm.

In our new discovery of Self, let us find the flow of consciousness that welcomes our journey through metaphysical connectivity—

No longer let us leave room for things that pull us away from the Divine Current. Only then shall we experience man-made suffering. Come closer to God, be God.

August 6, 2020

The morning rain brings her offering. Quenching endless days of the sun’s splendor. Hear the plants humming their songs of gratitude.

In the quiet space I open my hands and receive the blessings of refreshment. Cleanse me from calamity, wash away the unsettling of my heart.

Seated with my breath, the Lynx cat goddess comes and lies at my feet. She only partakes in her morning bath ritual when I give rise to movement and show her reverence.

Then slowly, she settles back in her posture. Her natural ability to rest received to me as a gift.

August 3, 2020

It really is quite simple…

Simple—as in if the feeling is absent then there is nothing left to pursue anymore other than a simple politeness, even a complete silence. Was your feeling for me absent, then?

So what is it that you craved from me? Messiness?

Very well then—Imagine a heart surgery where the chest has been cut open and pulled apart, exposing a now empty cavity. The heart thrown to the floor in a pool of blood because your hands weren’t steady. Followed by your words—I wasn’t ready, I need some restructuring.

Yes, I hear you. I understand.

Maybe in time the muscle will grow the strength to crawl back into my body. But for now it is immobilized on that cold slab of the operating table, the lights turned off and the walls crumbling in all around me as I fight to push oxygen back through my veins.

Just breath

Just meditate

Just find a way

Every two-thousand-eight-hundred and seven miles between us feels like two million eight thousand and seven hundred pounds of crushing weight driving me to the bottom of the deepest ocean.

2,807 tears that will now have to fall.

2,807 dreams I won’t be able to control.

2,807 lies I will say to to the world that I’m okay.

July 27, 2020

You wait so long to finally channel a direction for your life.

Decisions aren’t easy for you, but the moment you make them, hold on.

Yet suddenly the road is no longer paved with asphalt, and the road signs are nonexistent.

For a moment you take your hands off the wheel only to realize the car is gone and the only ground is your own two feet.

Blades of long grass and weeds with small flowers dance across any signs of the path. All you can do is recognize a freedom in their movements.

Maybe who you were born prepared you for this. So don’t hold your breath and let the things your mind cannot see break your heart.

Your heart has never left you.

July 26, 2020

Here it is. The writer you were asking for.

But that’s the thing, when I open the notes on my IPhone and ignore the world around me to get every syllable on paper, the sounds are like knives cutting into my heart and my soul and all I can do is bleed on this goddamn paper.

And when you ask me to go there you’re asking me to go to a dark cave where I never know if I’ll find my way out.

It means something has ripped my heart to shreds. Again.

This is vulnerable land, or maybe the land of the brave, where we aren’t afraid to wear our emotions on a page.

Slap me down, throw me away, make me go away. Get lost in the thought. Get carried away.

Steve, I wish I had had this for your class.

July 25,2020

You know what they say about patience

….

No, tell me Expert On All The Human Species because somewhere along the way it was only you who experienced happiness and pain, and have come to know all the answers.

Or maybe I’m just a female who has been existing in a lifeless bubble and yeah, if you had married someone too—you’d want her to stay home and raise the kids while you worked and progressed your career.

It’s so lovely that she can look in the mirror and continually see the tear-streaked painted cheeks of a clown.

Mental mother-fucking breakdown.

Mental break, breaking, broken cardiovascular system—and it feels like I’m not vasculing that much longer. You sucked out all that air.

Here’s my chorus for those who I’ve claimed to love:

Oh, please tell me again how wrong I am.

Or that I am over-the-top,

Or—all you have to do is just clock in.

Dear wonderful men with your beautiful, mandating, overrated cocks:

HEAR this for once—

Go fuck yourselves.

7/25/2020

Remember those twinkling lights spread across the L.A. night sky?

We could try to look at the planets—everybody is always looking out at a space we will never fully understand.

And now we look at our backyard. Or that 2 feet space between the stairs.

Where did you go? You said you were there, but “ there” is not a space we float in and out from, room to room, avoiding a look, a stare, the same chit chat about this or that. How is it exactly that you care?

You do? Then who I am? What’s your answer? Say you support me, just not beside me, or with me, maybe in another sphere?

If only it was as easy as me staying in my lane.

Then your idea of love could remain and not catch the sky on fire looking for the planets we’ve somehow misplaced in our lonely hearts.